The obvious way to begin this article would be to say, “Vampires Suck sucked.” But actually, the movie was not as awful as I thought it would be.
First of all, let’s establish this: anyone looking to see a movie with A) a plot, B) relatable characters or even remotely realistic events, or C) intelligent humor will be sorely disappointed. As a viewer, you should approach this with the idea that there will be lots of stupid jokes, with a handful that will really have you laughing. Also, in my opinion, it is much, much funnier if you’ve had to watch the Twilight movies.
The story behind Vampires Suck is essentially the same story behind the first three Twilight films. Regular girl Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) – who has a tendency for tripping over things and twitching – meets and falls in love with Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), a mysterious and attractive vampire. Meanwhile, her long-time-friend Jacob White (Christopher Riggi) is competing for her affections, while her clumsy dad and bossy friends do nothing but embarrass her. After a terrible mix-up, Becca must stop Edward from doing something he’ll regret at Prom … while still trying to get that bite from him.
Basically, the ‘formula’ for this movie was to take all the famous scenes from Twilight (seeing Edward in the cafeteria, standing in the woods and guessing Edward’s species, Edward ‘controlling himself’ as he kisses her for the first time, riding Jacob’s motorcycle, etc.), spoofing those scenes, and stringing them together. There was very little creativity or coherency as far as plot/storyline went.
Some of the jokes really fell flat, especially the dirtier ones. I don’t mind gross jokes, as long as they’re actually funny; however, the majority of these just made me cringe. That being said, some scenes were very amusing, such as the werewolves dancing to “It’s Raining Men” in jean-shorts. (Yes, they always show the best parts in the previews.)
Trust me, this movie is more entertaining if you’ve seen the Twilight movies. For example, the actress who plays Bella n Twilight, Kristen Stewart, is always looking at her feet, stuttering, and frowning. Obviously this is meant to demonstrate teenage angst and insecurity, but often it comes across as overdone. Consequently, Jenn Proske does almost nothing but twitch, stammer and give dramatically stormy looks to all the characters.
Besides a few of the funnier jokes, the best aspect of this movie was the casting. The actors they chose looked very, very much like the actors from the Twilight Saga, but not enough that you’d mistake them for one another. It was very cleverly done. They also kept the names similar – i.e., Bella Swan changed to Becca Crane, Jasper to Jeremiah, Aro to Daro, etc. I think Latner was a good choice for Edward because he’s appeared in another similar spoof-film, Disaster Movie.
Although Proske and Riggi were sort of dark horses, they both did a decent job and maybe in the future, we can look forward to more serious roles for them. My least favorite actress was Anneliese van der Poole, who played Becca’s controlling best friend. Although she was supposed to be dramatic, I think she way overacted and sapped all the levity out of what could have been some really good lines.
According to other critics and various internet sources, this movie was deplorable and not fit for the big screen at all. I wouldn’t go see it again, but at the same time I wouldn’t say it was as bad as all that. If you’re looking for high quality cinematic art, look elsewhere. But for a few laughs, Vampires Suck will do the job just fine.
And apparently, Vampires Suck is doing better in the box office than is Eat Pray Love – who saw that coming?
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